Sometimes people think that because a woman is married to a military officer she should automatically be proud and patient no matter what she is going through, but many women in that kind of marriage suffer quietly.
People see the uniform, the discipline, the respect, and the salary, but they do not see the loneliness inside the house when the husband disappears for months and the wife is left alone with her thoughts. What you are feeling is deeper than ordinary frustration. It sounds like emotional exhaustion.
Staying months without your husband coming home can slowly make a woman feel abandoned even if the marriage still exists on paper.
In Northern Nigeria many women are raised to believe that endurance is part of marriage. From childhood they hear things like “namiji baya zama gida” or “aure hakuri ne.” So when problems start, they force themselves to remain silent because they are afraid of being judged. Some women even feel guilty for wanting emotional attention from their husbands, especially when the husband is a soldier or someone doing a difficult job. People around them may say, “At least he is working hard,” or “At least he is providing,” as if food and bills alone are enough to keep a marriage alive.
But the truth is that a woman also needs companionship, affection, emotional safety, and presence. Human beings are not robots. A marriage without closeness can start feeling cold and empty no matter how responsible the man is financially.
The part of your words that touched me most was when you said you only married him because he was available and had something doing. That sentence alone carries a lot of hidden emotions. It sounds like maybe you were not deeply in love with him from the beginning but you convinced yourself that stability was enough.
Many people do this, especially when they are under pressure to marry or when they fear waiting too long. Sometimes family members encourage it too. They say things like “he has a good job,” “he is serious,” “don’t let him go,” and a woman may ignore her emotional doubts because she wants security or because she believes love will grow later. Sometimes it does grow, but sometimes marriage exposes the emptiness that was already there.
Now you are sitting alone for months while your husband is away, and the loneliness is forcing you to confront feelings you may have buried from the start.
When someone already feels emotionally disconnected and then distance is added on top of it, the marriage can begin to feel unbearable. You may even start feeling like you are living the life of a single woman while still carrying the responsibilities and expectations of a wife.
That kind of emotional isolation can affect confidence, happiness, mental peace, and even physical health.
Before making a final decision, I think you should ask yourself one very honest question deep inside your heart: if this man suddenly changed and became emotionally available, more present, more affectionate, and more attentive, would you still want to remain married to him? Your answer to that question matters a lot because it helps separate loneliness from incompatibility.
Sometimes the real issue is the distance and lack of emotional effort. Other times the marriage itself was never truly built on emotional connection from the beginning.
You also deserve to express your pain to him directly. Not through anger or insults, but through honesty. Many military men become emotionally hardened because of their environment and responsibilities.
Some of them genuinely do not realize how deeply their absence affects their wives. He may think providing financially is enough proof of love while you are silently starving emotionally. Tell him calmly that you feel lonely, disconnected, and emotionally neglected. Tell him you are struggling with the marriage and that the long absences are affecting your happiness.
Watch his reaction carefully. A man who still values his wife emotionally will not dismiss her pain completely.
At the same time, do not allow society to trap you in endless suffering just because people fear divorce. In many Northern communities, women are expected to tolerate almost everything to keep a marriage intact, even when they are emotionally dying inside. People often care more about the image of marriage than the health of the people inside it.
But staying in a marriage where you feel emotionally abandoned year after year can slowly destroy your spirit. Marriage is supposed to bring peace, mercy, companionship, and comfort, not constant loneliness and emptiness.
You do not need to make a rushed decision today, especially while emotions are heavy. But you also should not ignore your feelings or keep pretending you are okay when you are not.
Your emotions are trying to tell you something important. Listen to yourself carefully. Sometimes women spend years enduring situations that already broke them emotionally long ago because they are waiting for things to magically improve.
Whatever decision you eventually make, make sure it comes from clarity, honesty, and self-respect, not only fear, pressure, or temporary pain.