“He Was Stingy While We Were Dating… I Thought It Was Love”
I have been married to this man for one year now.
But sometimes, I sit down and ask myself how I got here… and I remember the warning signs I ignored.
When we were dating, I noticed something about him.
He was stingy.
Very stingy.
But I didn’t want to see it as a problem. I told myself, “Maybe he is careful with money. Maybe it’s just his nature.”
I called it love.
He had a car.
He had a house.
He was working and doing well financially.
So in my mind, I thought, “At least I’m with someone responsible.”
But responsibility is not the same as generosity.
I didn’t understand that then.
Even during our relationship, if I asked for airtime, he would send me ₦200.
Sometimes nothing.
Just silence.
And I stayed.
I kept convincing myself it didn’t matter.
I said love is not about money.
I said I was not with him for what he gives.
I said a lot of things to protect what I was feeling.
Then we got married.
That’s when reality became clearer.
Life became hard for me in a way I didn’t expect.
Not because we were poor…
But because he was still the same.
Even as his wife, I still have to beg for basic things.
Sometimes he gives me ₦500 for cooking.
₦500.
In this economy.
And he doesn’t just give money freely.
He controls everything.
Everything is calculated.
Everything is monitored.
He counts foodstuffs.
He locks the store.
He tells me exactly what to cook and what not to touch.
And the most painful part is…
He has money.
He has a job.
He has a car.
He has a house.
He is not struggling.
But inside the home…
It feels like I am living on approval.
Like I have to “qualify” for basic comfort.
Sometimes I sit alone and think back to when we were dating.
The signs were there.
Clear signs.
But I ignored them.
I told myself marriage would change things.
I told myself love would soften him.
I told myself I could adjust.
But people don’t change because of marriage.
They only become more of who they already are.
Now I understand something I didn’t understand before.
Stinginess is not just about money.
It is a mindset.
A way of seeing control, value, and relationships.
And if it shows early…
It usually doesn’t disappear later.
I’m not saying every man with money must be generous.
I’m not saying wealth equals kindness.
But I am saying this from experience:
Pay attention to how a man treats you when there is no “obligation” yet.
Because that is the real version of him.
Now I find myself adjusting to a life I didn’t fully understand before marriage.
A life where everything is measured.
Everything is controlled.
Everything is requested.
Nothing is freely given.
And sometimes I wonder…
If I had walked away earlier, would I be in a different situation today?
So when younger girls ask me for advice, I don’t sugarcoat it anymore.
I tell them plainly:
If he is stingy while dating you… don’t assume marriage will fix it.
It usually doesn’t.
It usually becomes worse.
Because marriage doesn’t create character.
It reveals it.